Where do I belong?

Christmas day, 2005 at Jue's house

27^th November, 2007

I MUST NOT LET THIS DISEASE TAKE THE ONE THING I DO HAVE LEFT – MY SPIRIT TO FIGHT!

Jue and I underestimated the amount of emotional and physical demands it would place on us if I lived in their house*. This does make me sad though as I really don’t have anywhere that I belong. This is primarily RP leaving me last year, meaning I had to live on my own, which just isn’t an option! Yet again I am reminded by elderly peoples comments at going into a nursing home and handing over their independence. I am going to stay positive. I have an idea of printing off some of my travel photos and framing them as presents for Christmas, and I still have all my letters to write, and I am determined to see out my life on my terms. I have to keep busy... when I am awake!

Today at St John’s, Dr Nyla has confirmed it is OK to stay here and go on weekend leave on the 8^th and 9^th December. This is good and both Jue and I are happy with this.** Initially we think going home every other weekend would be the best option so far, but we are going to see how things go as we are not sure what the cancer will do next – how and when it will finally win (I hate that word ‘win’ but that is how it feels).

I am beginning to feel a lot more anger and resentment towards RP (again) – how could he leave me in this situation. Though having said this, I don’t know whether I would want him to be my carer *** but it would make me feel like I belong somewhere.

Overall in myself, I feel better today. Got some things sorted in my head. Also friends from work are now coming to see me. SH and CH both came in, it was so nice to see them and to feel how much they cared. I do feel so lucky to have such wonderful friends!

*I must have told her I was struggling to cope, but I don’t remember doing it that early after her admission.

** I was dreading it.

*** He is a nurse.