It is not my fault

3^rd December, 2007

It is not my FAULT I have cancer; this is something I need to keep reminding myself of, as I am beginning to feel very isolated and abandoned. I feel stronger in myself and able to do more, but I do need to recognise my limitations. After my bath I asked if I could be more independent, so I did dress myself completely, using the grab stick to get down to my feet. At times I got a bit SOB, but I kept this under control with deep breathing. It took me a long time, but at least I did it on my own. I am determined not give in and whilst I am not in denial that I have a very poor prognosis, I don’t see why I can’t do some things on my own.

I am concerned that Jue, all of them in fact, are perhaps wishing they hadn’t agreed to have me in their house. It is a huge emotional undertaking that we were not prepared for, added to the anxieties we each carry around, my anxieties stem from being out of control and the pain relief not working. Jue I think is concerned that she will be forced to care for me, which would cause her to resent me.* For me this week is all about taking back some control over what happens to me. I have asked to attend a meeting with Jue and PM (the consultant). I am hoping firstly they will keep me up to date with their thoughts and about my prognosis and disease; secondly and perhaps more importantly from my perspective, I want to show them I do care about Jue’s family life, and their family dynamics. All my belongings are in that room, which was overhauled for me and the new shower room that was built, so there is obviously a huge part of me that wants to come home, but I am frightened if I say I want to be with all my belongings they will pressurise Juliet.

I think tomorrow before the meeting with PM, we both need to put our cards on the table and be brutally honest about what we want. There is one big problem for me, all my personal belongings will be at Jue’s and if it is decided that I don’t live there some of the time, I really don’t want my possessions used. I know that sounds churlish, sorry for that, but I wasn’t exactly given any option. Vans and men were taken to my flat and they took everything over to make that wonderful room. In light of the fact I am dying this should not be top of my list of priorities, but it is more what it represents, I suppose, in that my whole life is turned upside down and I have no real space of my own.  Jue and John get a new shower room and sun room (furniture when I die)** and I am left to deal with dying from cancer, watching parts of my body deteriorate, whilst everyone around me finds it too hard emotionally to help.

ALL I want is someone to take me in their arms and tell me it will be all right, but the only person who could do that is RP and he walked out on me in March 06.

*Did I make it that obvious. This entry makes me feel terrible because I clearly was too selfish to keep my fears and worries from Andrea (as if she didn’t have enough to contend with).

** And yes, of course the reality is we did.