dying, crying and custard

26^th November, 2007

Amazingly, slept really well, which maybe have been cause Heather came in and gave me a massage. Through this I have gained so much more from my friends. I enjoy Heather’s company so much and she gives a mean massage!

I think Jo is coming in this morning to help me wash and dress. She, like Heather, is someone I feel much closer to now and really enjoy talking too. Despite her own problems she is always very positive, and there are parts of her that I see in myself. There is no point feeling sorry for yourself, you have to keep going, the only other option is to give up, which I don’t think either Jo or I would do. Having just written that, lying here, I do sometimes get tired and feel like I wish it were all over. I see lots of people on TV and in articles and people generally making arrangements for Christmas, and I can’t do this anymore. I love arranging dinner parties and cooking and having people around for dinner, but I no longer have anywhere of my own to live. I think about Mum and Dad at home and Jue and John getting the dinner ready, putting on the telly, planning what to do, and this makes me feel so useless, and how the small details in every day life are so important.

Writing this makes me cry so much. I yearn for some normality back again, but for me normality is about getting used to how this disease affects me, and what I can do, because there are still things that are possible. I can still talk, make my own decisions (although at times hazy through drugs), laugh and cry. I have to overcome my fear of dying. I think because i have had cancer for so long, i convinced myself I had worked through all the stages, but I haven’t. I am very scared of leaving my family behind. I know they won’t forget me, but it feels so strange that they will exist without me in their lives. Of course they’ve got to carry on without me, which I think is probably harder. Looking at it like this makes me realise I am not on my own, we all have to deal with this.

Just had my supper and had a bowl of custard and a bowl of rice – delicious!! I have a strange craving for custard and tunnocks tea cakes!