Abandoned

24^th November, 2007

Was readmitted back to St John’s Hopsice with acute SOB, which was probably a panic attack, BUT I was so absolutely terrified. I really could not get any air into my lungs at all. I didn’t lose consciousness, but I convinced myself this was it, this was how I was going to die. Only Ashley and Barney were in the ‘bar’, and they had to shout to Jue and John in the lounge. I really didn’t want them to see me like that, but I felt so out of control. My body seems to control my every thought and movement and I hate it. I felt abandoned but it was me who asked to come to St John’s. I hadn’t realised that Jue wanted to deal with this at home, which is why I asked for a 999 ambulance*. Throughout the night all I kept thinking was i am here and this where I will stay until I die. I feel it is coming closer, my every movement is slower and I am so very frightened and feel so alone.

Taking out my fears on Juliet was wrong, and accusing her of abandoning me was very low – but I suppose that comes from being let down by RP over the years, and it is not fair to compare Juliet to him. Ringing and apologising was the only way of putting it right, I just hope that Jue will understand.

Dying like this is like watching your life peel away. First my flat; independence; driving; working; dressing; make-up; feeling glamorous, until you are left with just you – your body and your thoughts. My thoughts right now are, I wish I knew how long I had left. For everyone watching this must be hard, they are losing me bit by bit.

*You can’t cancel a 999 ambulance, I know, I tried. Maybe I thought this was it, but Andrea was far from ready and wanted to go to hospital (to be cured, perhaps). After her emergency admission the previous week, I knew there was nothing they would or could do. The ambulance crew were incredibly sensitive and gave me time to ring the Hospice as Andrea was adamant she wanted to go somewhere. Luckily they had a bed.  Following the ambulance to St John’s I was struck with a huge sense of relief. She was someone else’s problem, and though I hadn’t fully realised it yet, I didn’t want her to come home again. In a sense she was right, I had abandoned her, but I convinced her otherwise. Bitch or desperate? You decide.