I am dying

5^th December, 2007

Hard day today. Felt tired and generally shaky. This might have something to do with the fact that I know Juliet was going to be talking to the consultant and making some decisions about my care. Despite my hardest efforts, I cannot be as independent as I so want to be. Juliet and I both know this, so going back to live with her is not really an option. Staying for weekends and the odd day is fine, it’s just longer term would be difficult to manage. I need oxygen, syringe driver and help with washing, bladder problems – incontinent at night – and I need to walk with crutches. 

I am to stay here at St John’s, which takes away the worry of who will look after me, but it does feel very odd as if my life has been taken out from beneath me and I am left dangling.

Having had time on my own thinking about it and talking to Heather (who has just left) has made it much clearer in my head – there really was no other alternative. Jue has found the name of a nursing home in Marston Moretaine, I am a little sceptical, but if it is somewhere we decide to go then so be it.

The one thing I have keep to reminding myself is that I am dying, and no one knows its next course of damage/deterioration so there really is no point in planning too far in advance. I have to keep looking for realistic short term goals. This first is going to Jue’s for the night this weekend and then after that it is Christmas, after that we have deliberately left it open. Seeing Heather tonight has really lifted my mood and put it in perspective. Staying here is absolutely the right thing to do – Please let Heather know this!