I am completely on my own

19^th December, 2007

I don’t want to get too deep, but I can feel my body slowly being taken over and I need time to adjust to this. I am frightened about what will happen next, both my legs are swollen up very badly. Apprehensive about going home for Christmas as I don’t want to spoil it by being in pain, also the night times are when Jue worries so I may come back here to sleep.

Jue came in for a quick visit and she looks unwell and I am worried that her and John would prefer it if I was not with them for Christmas, due to the circumstances last year over Rick dying, the parallels are just very, very similar. I know it is not my fault, but I do feel responsible and want in someway to make to easier for them.

It seems from my perspective if you are married or have a partner then you will be looked after when you are sick (if they stay around) RP didn’t. I am aware I need a lot of medical intervention, so this does make all of us more apprehensive. I could be picked up on the 24^th and 25^th and come back here to sleep or stay here over Christmas. I am not as sad as I thought I’d be. Deep down I knew that particularly at Christmas, Jue and John want things as normal as possible. RP left me last year and now my family want to do their own thing and my feelings and situation appear to count for nothing. The nurses, in particular, Kate and Anne, both reminded me at this stage in my life I should be thinking of my feelings for once and not taking everyone else’s on board. I remember saying when I first arrived, I felt abandoned and then be made to feel this was the worst thing I could have said BUT actually it was fairly accurate. Three months ago I was working, had my own flat and now I don’t feel I have anything. My home is at the moment a room in St John’s hospice. I get the feeling I really am doing this completely on my own.