The true value

29^th November, 2007

Feeling a lot more positive today. Getting a bit down about the fact I am not in control of my bladder at night. The pad I wear does seem to catch it all, but I need to remember not to drink too much in the evening. This was one of the things I was dreading happening and may mean I have to have a catheter soon, just one more thing to hang of me with the O2 and syringe driver!

SS came in and Jue and I had a sound healing session. I felt so close to Juliet and incredibly happy deep in my heart, whilst in the session. I was remembering walking in the woods behind Holly Cottage and smelling the leaves with Jue and Emma (the Alsatian dog we had for a year). I do truly believe that using the alternate therapies helps me to relax and work through my anxiety. I do find it hard to accept that I am not in complete control, and I probably won’t ever be again. I am afraid of dying, though not sure ‘afraid’ is the right word. I am beginning to realise the true value of everything around me and the people in my life, and I don’t want to leave them. But I have to do this bit on my own. I do hope I am able to see RP’s Dad, but at the moment, I feel I am not ready to die, but then this in itself makes me feel like a burden! (I get so angry with myself for feeling like this, I just can’t seem to find the middle ground.)