Euthanasia?

30^th November, 2007

Frightened today. The spinal secondaries are affecting my bladder and I have no real control, apart from in the daytime. I am today thinking what will be affected next. I am so frightened I won’t be able to walk and become more and more dependent. SL came to visit, I love seeing her, but she did make me feel sad as she was talking about getting a dress and shoes for a party and I felt so envious, and yearned to be able to do this myself instead of just lying here. BUT i’m not, so there’s no point feeling sorry for myself.

I heard such an anguished cry of pain from the room next door, well I hope it was only next door as it was so loud. I just hope he didn’t die in too much pain and it was just a cry of goodbye. I’m beginning to get more frightened of the time that I die, maybe because of the incontinence of because I have more time to think about it being in the hospice. In particular I am sleeping less in the day as I seem to be getting much better sleep at night, maybe because of the oxygen or all the combined treatments. I have been thinking a lot more also about euthanasia – I don’t/can’t watch bits of my body deteriorating, and to be completely dependent fills me with dread.