Au revoir, until we meet again

Xmas day, 2007

This day is for the children, but I am allowed to feel sad or cry as I will be at the hospice.

This was Andrea’s last entry into the diary, so I don’t know what her thoughts were in the final few days, but I did spend the last evening with her on the 30^th December, where she finally got her haircut, and she looked so cute.

On New Year’s Eve, the Hospice called to say, Andrea had gone downhill and they had upped her painkillers and given her sedatives. I went over with Dad, but neither of us thought she would be gone by the end of the day, but it seems Andrea wanted to finish the year off tidily. 

At around ten to nine, Andrea came too briefly and the nurses came in and settled her, as they left the room, she took a breath in and didn’t exhale. Her hand was held tightly in mine.

  

The last three posts... no. 2

24^th December, 2007

OK, I am scared of dying. There, I’ve said it. There is no point putting on a brave face and pretending, but what I decide to do with this overriding emotion is up to me.

The last three posts... no. 1

20^th December, 2007

Very beautiful, thick frost last night. The view outside my window is beautiful. Attending the carol service this afternoon.

Andrea did make it to the Carol concert in the community hall at the Hopsice, though it was touch and go as she had breathless attack. Then she read a passage from the bible and got recorded onto local radio, me standing behind to take over if needs be. The audience were crying and I am not sure who they were crying for, but Andrea and I stayed dried eye.

I am completely on my own

19^th December, 2007

I don’t want to get too deep, but I can feel my body slowly being taken over and I need time to adjust to this. I am frightened about what will happen next, both my legs are swollen up very badly. Apprehensive about going home for Christmas as I don’t want to spoil it by being in pain, also the night times are when Jue worries so I may come back here to sleep.

Jue came in for a quick visit and she looks unwell and I am worried that her and John would prefer it if I was not with them for Christmas, due to the circumstances last year over Rick dying, the parallels are just very, very similar. I know it is not my fault, but I do feel responsible and want in someway to make to easier for them.

It seems from my perspective if you are married or have a partner then you will be looked after when you are sick (if they stay around) RP didn’t. I am aware I need a lot of medical intervention, so this does make all of us more apprehensive. I could be picked up on the 24^th and 25^th and come back here to sleep or stay here over Christmas. I am not as sad as I thought I’d be. Deep down I knew that particularly at Christmas, Jue and John want things as normal as possible. RP left me last year and now my family want to do their own thing and my feelings and situation appear to count for nothing. The nurses, in particular, Kate and Anne, both reminded me at this stage in my life I should be thinking of my feelings for once and not taking everyone else’s on board. I remember saying when I first arrived, I felt abandoned and then be made to feel this was the worst thing I could have said BUT actually it was fairly accurate. Three months ago I was working, had my own flat and now I don’t feel I have anything. My home is at the moment a room in St John’s hospice. I get the feeling I really am doing this completely on my own.

I wish he was there for me

17^th December, 2007

I am so low. Both my legs are swollen and I am finding everything that bit harder, and I am frightened. I want to ring someone but I don’t know who. These are the times when I wish RP would be there for me on the end of a phone.

Acceptance

14^th December, 2007

Marion is coming in this morning to help me wash etc. She wants to take me out for lunch at the pub on the corner. The village of Moggerhanger is so pretty, I would love to be able to just get up and go for a stroll. I am a little apprehensive about going out.

I felt good in the open air, but in the pub I had a hot flush and began to feel light headed. It wasn’t that bad as I did manage to finish my pudding – Treacle sponge and custard. On the way back in the chair I felt desperately unwell and just wanted to lie down and go to sleep.

I find myself thinking today about the acceptance of the fact I am dying. Everything seems to be slowing right down. The hair on my legs has very little growth and I have not had a period for several months. I am constantly tired and could sleep all day. I realise I have don’t have much longer and this is not meant to sound pessimistic, as I am not going to give in without a fight.

Whilst writing this, Tony, Heather’s boyfriend came wanting to read some poetry and then he read me some more of my book. I’ve never spoken much to Tony before, but ironically out of all of my friends he seems be much more aware that I need a lot of rest and doesn’t expect conversation.

11^th December, 2007

Strange day. Felt emotional, angry and very tired. Trying to still maintain the independence I have with washing and dressing, but I have to admit though I can do some of it, I get too tired. This gets me so upset and down as I so fiercely want to keep my independence, but I am just going to have to accept I am going to get less so as time goes by. I suppose I am trying to prove to myself when I stay at Jue’s over Christmas, that she won’t have an extra amount of work to do looking after me. It is moments like this that I need RP, he could help out and make life that bit easier for Jue.