Up and down

10^th November, 2007

Had an up and down few days. The funniest (perhaps not for my carer) was when I accidently farted in her face! On retelling this to Barnaby he found this hilarious! (I was embarrassed, but at least my bowels are still working, as I do worry about intestinal obstruction). The day before yesterday, I had a shaky/ tired day. Knocked my breakfast on the floor and felt so useless and stupid. Thankfully it wasn’t long before another of my carers* came in, and she gave me a big hug and let me cry. This was so what I needed.

I just get so frustrated at times because I am not able to do what I used to, mainly because of tiredness but also the fact my R leg is getting weaker and my R knee has swollen up (and today I think my ankle as well). I haven’t knowingly hurt it, but it did collapse underneath me on Thursday. It was the first time I had decided to go OUT to a shop. RP took me – he would be confident and spur me on, which he did. When I collapsed, that feeling of utter uselessness at age 39 swept over me and I just burst into tears – thinking this is not fair! Both RP and John were able to pick me up and I did go shopping and managed to spend £200!! I really don’t care, usually i am so worried about money, but there seems little point as they say, you can’t take it with you.

*It’s not like in the Soaps and films, there is no definitive prognosis, no way of gauging when or if you should give up work and care full time.  During November, I continued to go to work (though negotiated going in ½ hour later, which involved another member of staff doing my registration) and coming home if I had a Study period after lunch etc. Andrea was not only frightened of being alone, but also needed increasing help with daily activities, so somehow we cobbled together care, with a mixture of Leonard Cheshire carers and Andrea’s and my friends. In hindsight should I have said ‘sod work’ and stayed with Andrea? I don’t know... work was also a break for me, and all I would have done is transfer my guilt, by leaving A-level students to fend for themselves (hard to get a qualified psychology teacher at short notice). I guess you do what feels right at the time, and I think Andrea would have felt guilty if I had given up work. One thing I do know is GUILT is a damaging emotion that everyone experiences at some point in the grieving process. Knowing it and dealing with it, are different things altogether, however, part of the reason for publishing this diary is so I can explore my guilt and see it for what it really is.