me and mum

15^th November, 2007

Had a bad night last night ? tumour pushing up stomach causing nausea. The District Nurse who came round was not able to take a verbal order from Dr’s to give IM Cyclizine (anti-sickness drug), so had to wait 3 hours for doctor to turn up and give me an injection. Out of hours care is crap! I am not quite sure what the District Nurses do at night. I get so frustrated there really isn’t any support for people who want to die at home. Poor Jue had to stay up until 2 am to wait for Dr and has now not gone into work. I feel such a millstone around her neck, coupled with the fact I am fed up at being alive at times – euthanasia is beginning to look very appealing!

I do get so tired each day. I though the days might drag, but it seems I spend more and more time asleep, accompanied by these awful hot sweats. I am worried I won’t get to finish all I want to do, but I guess to some extent that is down to me and I don’t feel ready to go yet!

Seeing RP’s house tomorrow, if I feel OK. It’s odd but I really don’t feel any jealousy towards his gfriend. I have moved on, it’s ALL about ME now and no one else. That does sound selfish, but in reality when I am at this stage in my illness I MUST be entitled to some. I do hope when I have died RP begins to realise what he did and has done (I actually believe his is beginning to see that now).

Mum and I are beginning to realise together, I think, that NOW is the chance we have to become closer than we have been. I initially blamed her for a lack of affection/ communication, but I have recently realised it takes 2.

When we went shopping two things happened that we both found comforting. Mum put my shoes on and pulled up my socks, people usually forget to do this for you. I told her this and she was apparently really chuffed. The other more significant moment for me was when we were at the till. I was tired so leant my head against her arm and held her hand. At one point she needed to let go, to get her purse or something, but she didn’t let go for long and found my hand again. She relayed both of these instances to Juliet, and I am glad she did, I guess Juliet is the closest friend that Mum has.

My party is on Sunday, I want all my friends to be in the same place and celebrate some of the times we have had together. I also want them to keep in touch with each other, I suppose as a way of keeping the memory of me alive.