Archie the dawg! 

Every day he climbed on her bed for a hug.

12^th November, 2007

Felt like shit this morning. Short of breath more than usual and generally down. My Leonard Chesire carer came in and made me feel a little brighter. Couldn’t bear to have a shower as it is too tiring, so I smell sweet everywhere except my hair.

Jo came round to be with me today. She really helped to cheer up my mood as she is such a good listener, and you can hear in her voice how much she cares. I’m beginning to get scared that the tumours in my stomach are starting to impede my breathing or even worse cause an obstruction, although with farting all the time, this is probably OK.

The closer I get to dying the less I want to be near it, despite all my brave talk. What will it be like saying goodbye for the last time? I have to hold onto my belief that there is somewhere I will go when I die and from there, I will be able to see all my friends and family.

20:00 feeling very down this evening, having some pain under my L lung. Spoke to Jue and had a wash. Took some oxynorm and lorazepam and feeling more positive. Keep getting short of breath, especially when eating. I am a little, make that a lot, frightened of waking in the night SOB, and no one being there to help me. I can hear my chest wheezing, but to be honest that has been there for several months, before my first admission to Isobel.  We haven’t been able to get a Marie Curie nurse this week so far, we need to follow this up tomorrow.* I am surprised about how frightened I sometimes feel.

I am so sorry for my writing being scruffy and erratic, whoever is reading this (I suspect it will be you Jue), but though I am so tired I need to get my feelings down.

*I hated leaving Andrea on her own at night (she slept downstairs and we used a baby monitor, so she could call me, but she never did) and though she was initially reluctant, we got the District Nurses to arrange Marie Curie nurses and she soon appreciated them being there. You can’t get the service to cover every night and there is no guarantee of which nights they’ll come, but for 2-3 nights a week, I was able to sleep much more soundly, and Andrea got her cup of tea at 4am.  As for MacMillan, I can honestly say I don’t know what they do? I was under the impression they co-ordinated care at home and made sure the patient was getting everything they were entitled to, but from our perspective, they did little more than bring some leaflets round.