Party!!

18^th November, 2007

The day of my party! I’m feeling very anxious about it and I don’t know why. I’ve never felt this way before, but then I’ve never been dying before!!! I don’t want to spoil it for everyone. Heather has done all the organising; she has been marvellous.

Had a really crap night sleep and it is now 13:30, just had some lunch and feeling much better. I think I will leave my hairwash until tomorrow because on Tuesday it is my graduation, so it is going to be a busy week and I must get as much sleep as possible. It has always been my ambition to receive a degree! (that sounds so big headed and it is not meant to!)

My writing is awful, it’s because I am still tired. I hate days like this as they make me panic I won’t get all my letters written, in particular to mum and dad, Jue and John. I’ll stop here for now, have a wash and get myself ready for this evening!

23:00 – Nikki is just getting ready for bed. Tired, it was an emotional party, but really glad my friends got to meet one another. Manage to stand out in the SNOW and watch the fireworks, but it has made me realise how fragile I am. I feel absolutely terrified of not being in my safe place, namely Jue’s house or the hospice. I seem to have lost all my courage and keep taking Lorazepam, which then just makes me feel like a failure – ARRGGH!

Very sad saying goodbye to people, but I hope we will all be able to meet up again before I die. SS wrote me the most beautiful card...