hurry up and die

28^th October, 2007

18:00 – I feel very strange. Still got this heavy dragging feeling in my sacral area, NOT pain, just discomfort. My abdomen is distended on the L side, so I know this is not all in my mind – BUT – I feel so positive, like I did before going home the last time. Now I worry that I will end up with no flat, no independence, living with my sister, which she (+John) will begin to despise me for. It’s at times like this when I feel fairly well that I think my friends and family will wish that I had died, so they can get their grief over with and continue with their memories of me.

It is such an odd feeling of wanting to be alive and continue to be of use, BUT then working out what and where my purpose in life is now. I really don’t want to be the sick disabled person, BUT ultimately what do I do now with my life? I do still have a job, though not sure that would be possible, given that sitting on my bottom is a bit tricky! I could use my experience to produce some videos etc, but this has been done before, and it could be a bit boring, hearing me droning on and on.

I must STOP this NEGATIVITY. Life, as I have said before, is for living, no matter how small. I’ve just got to get other this phase and look a little deeper inside about what I could possibly do.