First day back at home

Aunty Andrea teaching Ash and Barnie CPR; though when she said lie the dummy down, I don't think she meant Barnie...

31^st October, 2007

18:00 – First day back at Jue’s. Went OK, a bit of breakthrough pain this pm, but I think that is because I do tend to walk on my crutches more, which exacerbates the spinal mets. This is what I find so frustrating as I have things I want to do, but getting from A to B takes ages and then sets off some pain!

Ash is sitting in my room doing her homework. I am happy that she is not frightened of me and what is happening. She does seem to enjoy talking to me. Barnie, without fail, always kisses me hello and goodbye, which I love him for. Having cancer visibly for as long as they can remember must make it easier for them, I suppose. *

Dad and I have decided to sell my flat and get rid of the car. This makes a sense of finality kick in, even though I know I can’t live on my own, it seems like my life has shrunk. I know I am not the first person to have to face this, but I don’t want to get into a cycle of depression, just waiting to die. I am going to arrange regular aromatherapy and reflexology through SS and I still have all my letters and memory books that I want to give to people, and I think I will print off and make a record of my travelling, which I never got round to. I have also asked to see the MacMillan Nurse as I want to talk to her about helping with teaching like I did, and perhaps could still do, at Graves House in St Albans.

Whilst my mind is still ME, I must use it!

*Andrea’s cancer began in her parotid gland, which is just below the ear and close to her jaw. Five years before, she had undergone surgery to remove the tumour, which meant destruction of her facial nerve and loss of muscle and tissue in her cheek and behind her ear. She coped with this in the way she coped with everything else, matter of factly and without self pity. I hesitate to use the term facial disfigurement, because it implies the person is damaged, maybe ugly, but Andrea was never not beautiful and her lopsided smile became her trademark.