Shopping!

11^th November, 2007

When I have a good day, I can almost believe I can carry on like this for awhile, but then reality hits home and I remember I am dying. I am not going to get better, but worse. My R leg is swollen and I am sure my circulation and oxygenation is not great either. I am so frightened of being in severe pain and on my own when I die. I want to be asleep, with... [unreadable words] Oops, fell asleep whilst writing this!

Jue and I have decided to keep me on bed rest today to help the pain and swelling in my legs. So far so good! It is now 2pm and have just seen G&C for a quick visit. I love being here in this room, right here, right now. The sun is shining, but it is a cold autumn air. I miss the feeling of the wind blowing on my face. The one thing I have realised about writing my very scruffy thoughts here is that it is just the simple things in our lives that matter. Talking to friends and family, not about anything life changing, but trivial stuff.

I am trying very hard to take the good whilst it is there and still managing to have a laugh. RP wrote a letter to Tunnocks, explaining my recent addiction and asked them if they would send their products to a dying woman (this was/is precisely why I love/d him, doing crazy things). They sent me a huge box of teacakes, marshmallows, wafers and a crystal glass... they asked for NO publicity, I assume they are worried they may get inundated with requests. I also went out shopping again (twice in ONE WEEK), with Mum and Dad this time, as I wanted to get a present for John. Not really sure what to get him, ended up with some sweets and Jamie Oliver gadget, he does cook, every now and again! (John of you read this, I am not in anyway being derogatory about your cooking)

It’s so hard when you feel well, I feel like I could be here living with Jue for some months, and then BANG all of a sudden pain strikes or I haul myself up the bed and it reminds me I am dying and the cancer is spreading. I don’t want to die, but I do accept this will happen, however I want everyone to know how special they are and I am going to put in a concerted effort to write more letters, so I can leave everyone with some of my love.

My next goal is to get to my graduation ceremony on the 20^th November, and I dare not think about any other dates, like Ashley’s birthday and then of course, Christmas. Why oh why is life so shit at times? Of all the times, I love Christmas and decorating a real tree.  I remember the first year RP and I got together, we were a bit skint, so I decorated the tree with cinnamon sticks, red apples that I polished and orange rind! Needless to say he took the piss, and I have never forgiven him this.

TODAY, RIGHT NOW, I am acutely aware of how much I want to live. Why now, I am not sure, maybe because of my legs swelling and showing yet another symptom of this bloody cancer, after so many years, rearing its ugly head.

I love you Juliet, so much for just being you. I have been able to face up to it all so much, I just hope you are getting the support you need.